Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

How To Watch A Chick Flick

Friday, July 17th, 2009

There are three kinds of chick flicks.

Type A often has Meryll Streep and always involves a disease. There is no way to watch this type. Run. Don’t walk. May be there is a hospital fire somewhere that only you can put out? Doubly beware if the name of the movie ends in cutesy symbols such as `XXOO’ or makes inscrutable references to metallic flowers and/or green fruit.

Type B usually has Meg Ryan, Kate Hudson or lately, Ann Hathaway. These are quite watchable, in small quantities.

Never see a chick flick at a theater. Does the phrase captive audience mean anything to you? Always go for Netflix or a DVD at home. Do not hog the remote control. Just for once.

The first hour of the movie is the hardest. (more…)

KO Quotes A Diary! I Mean Wow!

Wednesday, July 15th, 2009

My life has meaning now. KO quotes a diary from DKos on his show. OK, it wasn’t my diary, but I read it. Before KO quoted it. On TV! Yes, sometimes if you live a good life and work hard it all pays off in the end. Life is not all unfair.

A celebrity quoted the diary. Someone who is actually paid to be on TV. Just think of that. I am dumbfounded. Or something.It was like the time I was at a concert and a drop of Sting’s sweat fell on me. I didn’t wash for a week. Didn’t want that celebrity saltiness to wash off my skin. Another time I was at a restaurant in Connecticut and someone told me Paul Newman had eaten there the week before. Yes! Just one week before I ate there, Paul Newman had sat at the same table. OK, may not be the same table. Same room. Or general area. Or something. (more…)

Sarah Palin Resigns As President Effective 2012

Wednesday, July 8th, 2009

Gov. Sarah Palin has a short announcement to make, after which she will be answering your questions.

Hi America, I appreciate speaking directly TO you, over the heads of the Liberal Media. People who know me know that besides faith and family, nothing’s more important to me than our troops who are serving so well defending freedom in Kosovo. And it is in honor of those troops that I announce my withdrawal from the Presidential race of 2012.

And you know me by now, I promised even four years ago to show MY independence… no more conventional “politics as usual”. Real winners make up their own rules, instead of playing by the rules or the constitution or whatever you call them over at your Department of Law in Washington. We broke ground on the new prison. The more people we put in jail, the greater our security will be. I can think of one or two reporters I would like to have as guest in our new prison.

Make no mistake about it. I am no quitter. I am a fighter. Which is why I will be resigning as your President effective the year 2012.

Q: If you are quitting the race how can you resign from the Presidency? (more…)

The Legend of Lawrence of Arabia

Monday, July 6th, 2009

T. E. Lawrence, the illegitimate son of an Anglo-Irish Baronet has been immortalized by Hollywood as Lawrence of Arabia. But there is another, less well known, legend about his years as Assistant to H. E. Hogarth, the renowned archeologist.

Lawrence of Arabia on his favorite camel
They were digging at Carchemish, a remote dusty outpost of Syria. The nearest town, Jerablus, was no big shakes either. But at least it gave the young men at the site the kind of diversions that young men look for everywhere in the world. This was strictly against camp policies.Jerablus was close to the Turkish border and one important purpose of the dig was to gather intelligence on a German ally, just as hostilities that were to end in WWI were coming to a head. A British student getting caught at some brothel in Jerablus would be a diplomatic disaster.

Young Lawrence was a hard worker, not distracted by such pursuits. So remarkable was his lack of interest in `going to town’ that rumors about his sexual orientation started to circulate. But after many weeks, the dust, the heat, the loneliness-and hormones- caught up with even Lawrence. He went up to his mentor

Dr. Hogarth, I am a young man and young men have needs. As you know, I have not broken camp rules. But it is getting harder and harder to follow them.

Hogarth:

You are right Ted. I have been working you quite hard. See my camel parked over there? You go to that camel, do what you need to do. I will just look the other way.

Just 45 minutes later, Lawrence was back.

Thank you, Sir. That was *such* a relief.

Hogarth was surprised:

What did you do? I didn’t even see you go into town on that camel? I wasn’t expecting you back till tomorrow..

Highly Trained Individuals

Saturday, May 16th, 2009

When I came to the US thirty years ago, coffee was this brown muck that cost about a dollar per gallon. In the generation that has passed since then, coffee has become a spiritual experience, a political statement and a way to save the planet. Sleek new devices that hiss and purr when stroked have replaced the old coffee machines. The people who make the coffee have never looked better. Many of them have college degrees, even if they are unaware that Venti is simply the Italian word for twenty .

Starbucks just took out a full page ad in the NYTimes touting its exceptionalism.

They Want You To Think Coffee is Coffee. Well, It’s Not Just Coffee. It’s Starbucks.

It’s lotsa bucks actually. Until a year ago, $4.50 was considered a reasonable price for a cup of coffee. Starbucks is, like the Hummer, Enron and the AIG, an emblem of turn of the century excess. Now McDonalds is eating their lunch. The baristas at Starbucks still look upon with you with condescension if you ask for a “small cup of coffee” instead of a “Tall Americano”. But you can see the fear in their eyes. The Ad says that these are highly trained individuals, who can make 87000 different kinds of coffee. If so, aren’t they a bit over-trained? Punching a few buttons on a coffee machine is not exactly rocket science.
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Does Cheney Think He Is Churchill?

Wednesday, May 13th, 2009

The Cheney-Churchill comparison has not yet been made. But it is coming. Sooner or later every conservative thinks he is the next Churchill.

Dick Cheney is on TV every day. Even calls in to a radio talk show in North Dakota. Not only is it out of character for him, it is against the conventions of American politics for a former VP to criticize a new President so soon after the election. Perhaps Cheney is scared that he will be indicted for war crimes and is offering a pre-emptive defense.Torture is not just any war crime: it carries the death penalty. Maybe it is not his own indictment that he fears but that of his former aides like Addington. Or he is drumming up publicity for his book. He could just be bored after his retirement. Is Lynne Cheney making him mow the lawn, if he stays home?

But I think it is something else. (more…)

Our First Townhall Meeting About Layoffs

Saturday, March 14th, 2009

Hat tip BIDMC

Town Hall Meeting

Looking at these smiling people, you would never think that the topic of the day was possible layoffs, reduction of employee benefits, and other such matters. As promised in my message a couple of days ago, we held the first of a series of town meetings yesterday to explain our financial situation and to solicit ideas and suggestions from people as to how we might meet this year’s budget gap. Keep those ideas coming. This company is about you. If you were not behind me I would not not be able to lead you to a promising future.
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Christopher Monckton, 3rd Viscount of Brenchley

Wednesday, March 4th, 2009

I had to write a report this week and was looking through my calendar from last year. Noticed a curious entry, a talk I missed because I was out with a cold. Who exactly is Christopher Monckton, 3rd Viscount of Brenchley, this denier of Global Warming? The magic of Google and Wikipedia allows us to find out easily. The drawback to such convenience is that such information is often superficial.

Viscount

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We Just May Have To Lay Off Andre’.

Sunday, March 1st, 2009

Hat tip Public D




The Economic crisis is so bad that we just may have to lay off Andre’.

Publisher’s Note
The original author of this photo-cartoon remains anonymous. I took it from a post on Daily Kos and added the following speech explaining Andre’s fate. The photo has since appeared on many websites. The second speech below is a totally unfair parody of one by the CEO of Beth-Israel Medical Center. I blame our staff member Richard Saunders for the biting tone of that parody. Richard has been properly chastised. His only excuse is temporary loss of sanity from performing experiments on the nature of electricity.


Why We Just May Have to Lay Off Andre’

Hello everyone. Thanks for taking the time to get together today at an actual work site. How is everyone feeling in those work overalls? Thought it would be a nice change from the eleventh floor.

I’m not going to waste your time or mince words. The reason for getting together is to bring you up to speed on the company’s status. Unfortunately, it’s not as good as we all would have anticipated even 6 short days ago.

There are several issues.
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Guest Column by Gov. Bobby Jindal

Friday, February 27th, 2009

I was humbled and honored to be chosen to give the Republican response to Pres. Obama’s address to the nation last Tuesday. The response to my response has been consistent. Democrats think it was awful. The Republicans are hanging their heads in shame. Only Rush Limbaugh stood up for me. God bless him. He might make me President yet.

I want to begin my response to my critics with another condescending remark about President Obama’s blackness. After all, that is the most important thing about him. It is not important that Obama inherited a country mired in two wars, one of them completely unnecessary. Or that his predecessor was spending twice as much money as he was collecting. I must always start by noting the remarkable personal story of Obama, the son of a Kenyan father and an American mother. I mean, it is just awesome how I noticed that about him. Without me pointing it out, some of you could have missed that.
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