Archive for July, 2009

How To Watch A Chick Flick

Friday, July 17th, 2009

There are three kinds of chick flicks.

Type A often has Meryll Streep and always involves a disease. There is no way to watch this type. Run. Don’t walk. May be there is a hospital fire somewhere that only you can put out? Doubly beware if the name of the movie ends in cutesy symbols such as `XXOO’ or makes inscrutable references to metallic flowers and/or green fruit.

Type B usually has Meg Ryan, Kate Hudson or lately, Ann Hathaway. These are quite watchable, in small quantities.

Never see a chick flick at a theater. Does the phrase captive audience mean anything to you? Always go for Netflix or a DVD at home. Do not hog the remote control. Just for once.

The first hour of the movie is the hardest. (more…)

KO Quotes A Diary! I Mean Wow!

Wednesday, July 15th, 2009

My life has meaning now. KO quotes a diary from DKos on his show. OK, it wasn’t my diary, but I read it. Before KO quoted it. On TV! Yes, sometimes if you live a good life and work hard it all pays off in the end. Life is not all unfair.

A celebrity quoted the diary. Someone who is actually paid to be on TV. Just think of that. I am dumbfounded. Or something.It was like the time I was at a concert and a drop of Sting’s sweat fell on me. I didn’t wash for a week. Didn’t want that celebrity saltiness to wash off my skin. Another time I was at a restaurant in Connecticut and someone told me Paul Newman had eaten there the week before. Yes! Just one week before I ate there, Paul Newman had sat at the same table. OK, may not be the same table. Same room. Or general area. Or something. (more…)

Sarah Palin Resigns As President Effective 2012

Wednesday, July 8th, 2009

Gov. Sarah Palin has a short announcement to make, after which she will be answering your questions.

Hi America, I appreciate speaking directly TO you, over the heads of the Liberal Media. People who know me know that besides faith and family, nothing’s more important to me than our troops who are serving so well defending freedom in Kosovo. And it is in honor of those troops that I announce my withdrawal from the Presidential race of 2012.

And you know me by now, I promised even four years ago to show MY independence… no more conventional “politics as usual”. Real winners make up their own rules, instead of playing by the rules or the constitution or whatever you call them over at your Department of Law in Washington. We broke ground on the new prison. The more people we put in jail, the greater our security will be. I can think of one or two reporters I would like to have as guest in our new prison.

Make no mistake about it. I am no quitter. I am a fighter. Which is why I will be resigning as your President effective the year 2012.

Q: If you are quitting the race how can you resign from the Presidency? (more…)

The Legend of Lawrence of Arabia

Monday, July 6th, 2009

T. E. Lawrence, the illegitimate son of an Anglo-Irish Baronet has been immortalized by Hollywood as Lawrence of Arabia. But there is another, less well known, legend about his years as Assistant to H. E. Hogarth, the renowned archeologist.

Lawrence of Arabia on his favorite camel
They were digging at Carchemish, a remote dusty outpost of Syria. The nearest town, Jerablus, was no big shakes either. But at least it gave the young men at the site the kind of diversions that young men look for everywhere in the world. This was strictly against camp policies.Jerablus was close to the Turkish border and one important purpose of the dig was to gather intelligence on a German ally, just as hostilities that were to end in WWI were coming to a head. A British student getting caught at some brothel in Jerablus would be a diplomatic disaster.

Young Lawrence was a hard worker, not distracted by such pursuits. So remarkable was his lack of interest in `going to town’ that rumors about his sexual orientation started to circulate. But after many weeks, the dust, the heat, the loneliness-and hormones- caught up with even Lawrence. He went up to his mentor

Dr. Hogarth, I am a young man and young men have needs. As you know, I have not broken camp rules. But it is getting harder and harder to follow them.

Hogarth:

You are right Ted. I have been working you quite hard. See my camel parked over there? You go to that camel, do what you need to do. I will just look the other way.

Just 45 minutes later, Lawrence was back.

Thank you, Sir. That was *such* a relief.

Hogarth was surprised:

What did you do? I didn’t even see you go into town on that camel? I wasn’t expecting you back till tomorrow..

Top Ten Reasons Sarah Palin Quit

Friday, July 3rd, 2009

10. Wants to go hiking the Appalachian Trail.

9. This is not a retreat. It is an advance in the direction opposite to forward.

8. Wants to be appointed Ambassador to Africa. She still thinks it is a country.

7. Will be appearing on Wife Swap, with Jenny Sanford.

6. Michelle Bachmann was getting too much attention for being batshit crazy.

5. Thought she could put her job up for sale on EBay.

4. Palin is the sole beneficiary in newly found Michael Jackson will.

3. Took career advice from President Dan Quayle.

2. John McCain bailed out five times too.

And the number one reason why Sarah Palin quit as Governor of Alaska:

1. Wants to move to Chicago and become a Community Organizer.