Solitary Wave

My friends abroad, I am writing this with joy in my heart. Our long national nightmare is over. Full Democracy has been achieved and Full Justice has triumphed. Extremism in all its forms has been defeated. The humiliation of public servants by the judiciary has been stopped. Our Mission has been Accomplished.

Ever since I took over Pakistan in 1999 I have been trying hard to bring Full Democracy to Pakistan. But there have been some elements in our society that have always schemed against me. I finally had to take action, in order to speed the arrival of full democracy. I know that some of you are confused by the news reports from supposedly independent sources. But you will understand once you hear the True Story.

What do the people of a country need in order to be truly happy? Some might say they like peace and prosperity, a life free of constant threat from suicide bombers. But those are mere worldly concerns. If these were all, the people of Sweden would be the happiest in the world. No, what people need is a higher purpose. Man is happiest when he has a clear enemy. He will lay down his life, go hungry, sacrifice his first born child. All for the sake of destroying the enemy. Either you are with us or you are against us. Simplicity of thought is bliss.

When I took over the country in 1999 I thought I had found that enemy in India. Then 911 happened and our former friends became our enemies, the terrorists. But I realize I was mistaken. Now I have discovered the true evil in our midst. It is Justice. Not a particular Justice, like that Satan who headed the Supreme Court until yesterday. But the notion of Justice itself. The rule of law is our enemy. And I have put an end to any last remaining trace of that today. I am not a loser. And I will not be ridiculed.

The extremism has even spread to Islamabad, and the extremists are taking the writ of the government in their own hands, and even worse they are imposing their obsolete ideas on moderates. How can I stand idly by and let this happen? Now the time for the action has come. I have carefully examined the situation to see how to stop this downslide. We have to create harmony among judiciary, legislative and executive … This is how we would tackle the issue of terrorism in a better way, by ensuring unity of command.

Full democracy means only one man (guess who?) can vote. That is the only way to ensure unanimity in these troubled times. Let me ask you, where will division and dissent take us in the face of the grave threat of extremist Judicial Activism? Even America is afraid of activist judges. I have now implemented my promise of 1999 by bringing full democracy to Pakistan finally. Unity of command at last has been accomplished.

Extremists are roaming free in the country. The most extreme elements demanded even obedience to law! Tell me, how can any government put up with that? How can government officials, public servants all, be humiliated that way? I mean what is the fun of being in government if you have to obey the laws? I had to act to stop the situation from getting out of hand. Justice equals destabilization. I will not allow this country to commit suicide. I had to kill it myself in order to prevent it from committing suicide.

Things could have been different. All the nation had to do was admit that I am their leader for life and beyond. Or if you have to hold an election, at least make it unanimous. But no, you had to make me go through the humiliation of three legislators voting against me. But you forgot that I am a commando. I will always shoot my way out of any situation. I had to kill you in order to save you from yourself. I will not let eight years of hard work go to waste.

Like many of my predecessors I have abrogated the constitution. But unlike them I have insisted on True Justice for the people of Pakistan. To ensure this I have appointed myself Chief True Justice of the Supreme Court. I will be known as President General Chief True Justice Rani Musharraf from now on. There will be seven more justices but only my vote will count. True Justice is a lot like Full Democracy. It is moderate, not extreme. The President cannot put anyone above the law. However he can put any act by anyone under the law by his constitutional authority to defend the nation.

These political happenings are of no concern to the common man. He is happy that he has a new evil to fight. People know that I am a winner because I have the great Pakistan Army behind me. We have never lost a confrontation against unarmed civilians. We are in fact quite brave in the face of people who are not shooting back at us. Some 300 of us surrendered to the terrorists recently. But that does not count. Those bastards were shooting back at us. Not fair.

The main worry of people has been whether the cricket matches will go on. I assure you there will be no break in the test matches. The show will go on to the great glory of Pakistan. So far I have been the patron of the Cricket team. Now I will be also bowler and captain. Under my captaincy we will restore honor to the team. And you know what happens to the coach if he stands in the way of True Victory. Imran Khan can rot in jail.

Things are back to normal already. The restaurants in Karachi are buzzing with people.

I know my friends will stick by me. Better the Devil you know, the lesser evil. There will be the usual condemnations and editorials. But they cannot admit they have been backing a loser all this time,so in the end they will back me. The earthquake was such a great boon to the economy. My economic plan is to bring ever greater disaster to Pakistan so that our friends will have to bail us out. I am no economist, but I am told that our economy is growing at a solid 7 percent. True Economic progress is only another Earthquake away now.

I am Pakistan’s Lincoln. He suspended habeas corpus, I threw out the whole constitution. Same difference. I am Pakistan’s Gandhi. He disobeyed laws that he considered unjust and so do I. I am Pakistan’s Saviour. Jesus Christ was a victim of Judicial Activism by Pontius Pilate. So am I the victim of extreme Judicial Activism by one Iftikar Chaudhry.

Pakistan TV has continued to broadcast. Any criticism of the electorate, members of the armed services and any other senior member of government is banned. Anyone who offends this law will be sent to jail for three years. If you listen to foreign news services you will be revealed as an enemy of the state. Why do you need that when you can listen to me doing the best Al Roker impression this side of the Tigris? I will be the anchor for the evening news as well as the host of “Good Morning Pakistan”. I will also report the weather, which will be always Sunny. It is Morning in Pakistan.

Cell phone service has been restored, as long as people are calling to congratulate me. What else is there to talk about for a true patriot? Land lines are still out as I can’t figure where the switches are. I am also Chief Communication Engineer.

Some say this will diminish my popularity. Rubbish. I am not a loser. I always win any popularity contest in which I am the only one voting. I have let even Mrs. Bhutto return. Keep your friends close but your enemies closer. At least keep them in Karachi.

All dancing girls in bars have been banned. Such corruption has decayed our society. True Hospitality requires that we provide certain services to visiting dignitaries. From now on I will perform lap dances for visiting dignitaries myself. Some of the girls are giving me lessons on how to provide the other services as well.

I need to go. My nation needs me. Have a nice day and may God be with you.

Don’t miss my Presidential decree

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This entry was posted on Sunday, November 4th, 2007 at 4:15 am and is filed under Pakistan, Humor, Politics, General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.